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 Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...

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bajuwa
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PostSubject: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:14 pm

so ya, here's the story i've had on my mind for ages.
You can follow all entries of the story these sites:
fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/~bajuwa

So ya!
Anything you have to say would be appreciated ^^~
Hints, Tips, Edits, Praise, 'Boo's, and even Tomato throwing =3

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mourishin
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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:23 pm

i like the concept, as in, i'm very curious about this world you've made =3

you have pretty good timing~ i mean.. i can feel the excitement while she's running and the slow, deliberateness after she fell. if any of that makes sense...

you will post more in teh future?! =D
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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:25 pm

i will, hopefully xD
my writing skills are really shitty though, so im looking for suggestions, i don't want my next chapter to suck quite so bad as this one XD
that and my human speaking dialogue's are horrid

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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Mon Dec 06, 2010 8:38 am

you change tense a lot.

and i'm curious just how far down the river was from the cliff XD

but i still like it =3
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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:19 am

Oh, I loved it *----*
You write realy well, you make the reader feel like he was the girl and imagine exactly the scene. Mourishin have a point about the cliff, though xD

About the dialogues, it looked fine to me. It was perfect for the moment, since she was running and jumping and falling and getting hurt xD
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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:23 am

ya, like shiro, i didn't notice anything odd about the dialogue ^^ i like that her thoughts are short and scattered, i think it accentuates what she's feeling
besides, thoughts are usually choppy like that anyway cuz -you- know what you're talkin about XD
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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:58 pm

hahaha yaaa i'll work on the tense changes, i think i end up doing that too often x)
and lol... despite thinking in my mind how I was going to describe the whole cliff thing, I apparently got distracted and forgot XD

I think i ended up thinking about the actual worldly layout, so ya.... veeerrrry distracted from the small cliffy area xD
but this talk has inspired a nice layout idea that i hadn't thought of before x)
I think i should actually start drawing this out, might help me organize my thoughts better XD
-grabs crayons cause they pwn-

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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:50 am

Chapter 1 added ^^~
please read if you can, and review x)

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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Sat Dec 11, 2010 10:10 am

forgive the grammar nazi.. -.-
this needs punctuation:
"it would lead her through the treacherous mountain trails take her to the lake that formed at its base"

"not caring what directly she flew"

"She could feel the nagging presence of (the) importance of those word"

tense: "Upon her first attempt to stand, a searing pain runs through her entire leg,"

"so that she was able to look down at the river below her. She looked down at the river far below her, and cringed at what she saw. " does that need to be said twice? XD

"she was still afraid of what she would inevitable encounter" --> "she was still afraid of what she would inevitably encounter"

tense: "shouting men crashed through the brush and race down the hill,"

ch 1
spelling: "and anticipating her much needed bathe in the pretty"

double negative: "it didn't mean it wasn't impossible" i think you meant possible here..?

after all you were saying about ch 1 being different i was kinda worried but its really good! XD i also like the changes to the prologue~ much more descriptive
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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Sat Dec 11, 2010 10:14 am

baha yay i have a grammar nazi!!

i'll make the changes right away ^^~
tho i might hold off on uploading the newer grammar nazi'd version for a while, see if i can get any more reviews x)
reuploading is a bit of a bitch on those sites

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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Tue Dec 21, 2010 12:38 pm

mooooaaaarrrrrrr story!!! i neeeeeeeeddddd it!!! XDD Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:30 pm

oh lol, soorrryyy mouri but its on a bit of a hiatus ^^;;;
i also deleted/removed the two chapters that i had posted XD
they'll still be in the story, in essence, but they'll be much later on in the book and probably written differently =P
but ya, need the hiatus for solidifying storyness, currently planning out what events will happen and when, so its important if i want the story to be as good as it can be ^^~
i also made a map!
soooo you can look at this for now XD it's only a snippet of the map from where you will be in the first few chapters tho =P
some of the names will change, but the overall layout probably wont

Spoiler:
 

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PostSubject: Re: Elementalists: baj's horrible attempt at a novel...   Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:41 pm

oh yay! map!!!

you do whatever you have to~ =D i'll wait ^^
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